Early morning confusion and drama king

over the monitor I hear: "AYE!!!!!" (he watches just a bit too much of The Office).
this being my cue that he's awake, I go up to get him out of his crib. as soon as I open his door he says "Go to Target?" Me: No, not right now buddy. Noah: Target is CLOSED! Me: yes, they're closed. You want out of your crib yet?
Noah nods and reaches for me, but gets a static shock. I set him on the floor and he glares at me, grabs his head and says.... MOMMA STABBED ME IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't say he doesn't get the dramatics from me.

Noah

He's hilarious. I really wish I could just record him nonstop, but as soon as the camera comes on he runs up to push his face to the screen and says "you recording? i see the light, you recording?!?" sorry, i can only take so many nostril videos before i stop trying.

and not only is he hilarious, but he's sweet. our conversation this morning:
Me: Noah, can you tell me how the birdies sing?
N: La la la! i hear the birdies, la la la!
Me: do you like the birdies?
N: Yes, love the birdies, i hear them!

Me: What's your name?
N: name is Noah
Me: what's my mom?
N: name is Honey!
Me: what's Daddy's name?
N: JOEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Guess what?
N: I love you!
Me: how much?
N: THIS MUCH! (most of the time he claps when he says this)

so someone challenged me to keep a blog of his conversations. I'll try. he talks so much that it's a lot easier to just update Facebook with his funny stories when they happen, but i'll try.

updates

-I no longer have to wait to TTC. I had an abscess in January that had to be surgically drained. One of the doctors I had to see was my regular ob-gyn (not the one that performed my tube removal). I asked him to clarify whether the doctor meant 3 months or 3 cycles, and he told me once I got the abscess cleared up I didn't have to wait any longer. Of course, i'm still having problems with the abscess and I don't want to be touched at all...but, i don't *have* to wait.

-Joe got a raise at work. He had recently been given an increase to match salaries (like when they do an evaluation and determine you're not paid enough?), so we weren't expecting a raise at all. The plan is to tighten up our budget as much as we can (we still eat out more often then I'd like) and focus on paying off debts. With our tax refund this year I'll be able to pay off my largest credit card debt and that makes me very happy.

-We're still planning vacations for the year. We're definitely going camping for a week in June to Gatlinburg, TN. I went once years ago and it's just so beautiful and peaceful there, I can't wait for Joe and Noah to experience it too. I also need to call Erin and try to plan a Charleston trip to see her. I've really sucked at keeping in touch lately, and the longer I put off calling her the more nervous I get.

-Noah is growing up way too quickly. He's talking so much and he definitely has a sense of humor. I can't believe he's going to be 2 in just a few months, where did the time go?

-oh, and another sad update for me...i am now intolerant of shellfish. It started with just crabs over the summer, but now it seems like it's extended to include shrimp and mussels. and since the reaction is not pleasant at all, i won't be testing any other shell fish :-x

heard the news today, oh boy

well, yesterday to be exact. Yesterday was my 2 week follow up appointment. Two of my incisions healed great, minor scarring but that's it. The third one though...well, i look like i have two belly buttons. Apparently there's a collection of blood under the third incision(which is why it still hurts). The doctor said it should heal on its own with time, and if it's not healing in a week or two then I should call back. I'm hoping once it heals it'll pop back out, because I really don't like having a dent in my stomach that isn't my belly button.

He also said I should wait 3 cycles before trying to have another baby. I'm okay with that, I need the time to heal emotionally still. But, my cycles aren't normal so 3 cycles could wind up being 5-6 months. I'm a little disappointed, but it's better then a year and at least I still can try again. The only thing I didn't like was that he said I should try taking prenatal vitamins before trying- I do that. The way he said it almost felt like an accusation, and I know I'm still super sensitive so I'm trying to remember that he's busy and was just throwing out some good tips instead of accusing me of not taking care of this baby.

6 ways you’ve decided to change your life in 2010

Small Talk Six, i'm going to try and keep this up (again).

1. I've joined weight watchers and I plan to stick to it.
2. I'm still hoping to add to our family in 2010, but I'm also debating this now after the tubal pregnancy. I'll put it on the list, but list a second #2 as trying to keep this blog more updated.
3. I would like to stay on top of things at home. I'm tired of living in a cluttered house and always using the excuse that I have a kid. I want the floors to at least be visible!
4. I want to read more books. I read a lot now, but I have a bunch of books that I just re-read and I want to find more books to enjoy.
5. I want to spend more time offline. I work on the computer all day and it seems like I come home and spend all night on the computer too.
6. I want to do more things with Noah. He enjoys playing independently or just with mommy, and it seems like I do that rather then look for playgroups and activities. I don't want him to wind up being shy because I have no confidence with new people.

today

Today was an emotionally bad day. I'm still struggling with feelings of failure over losing the baby. I'm struggling with faith in that aspect as well and I can't help but ask what I did to deserve that. I wanted nothing more then to curl in a ball and stay in a bed all day...so, the fact that I managed to get showered, dressed and go to the grocery store is a BIG thumbs up in my book.

I also signed up for Weight Watchers online program again today. I haven't been eating much lately, depression and stomach issues from the meds have just made my appetite non existent. I figured I might as well take advantage of the 6 lbs I've lost and make sure I keep losing too.

In other news, Joe's brothers and father came over today. All of the bedroom furniture is officially out of the play room! Next step is to get the room cleaned and emptied, fix some minor water damage under one window(from a drippy a/c unit), then PAINT! Once it's painted I can actually get all of his toys in there and organized, and reclaim my living room.

word vomit

This post is pretty much going to be word vomit. I need to get some things out, and I need to save it for myself.

The Monday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed. Joe and I had been trying for a few months at that point, and I was so excited. I was also *positive* it was a girl. I had the same intuition with Noah, so I wasn't surprised that I had a gender feeling so early on(I was just impatient for the ultrasound to prove me right).

December 9th, I went to the bathroom right before leaving work. I was spotting, and I was nervous. I had spotted with Noah- but this was more then that, and this was earlier as well. I had an appointment with my doctor for the 11th already, so I just called to notify them of the spotting. I took the 10th off of work and stayed in bed most of the day to try and get the spotting to stop. They sent me for blood work to double check everything. When I went for my appointment on Friday they said that my uterus was smaller then they'd expect based on my last period date- but I expected that because my cycles are always longer then normal. My bloodwork wouldn't be ready until Monday but they didn't seem worried.

Monday morning, I called for the results. My numbers had risen, but they had not doubled. This was the first time I really started to worry, but the nurse assured me that everyone's body was different and it was a good sign that the numbers were rising.

Thursday the 17th, I started bleeding and was *really* worried. It was more then spotting and it was bright red. I asked my boss to let me leave work early, called the radiology place and asked for an appointment that day, then headed home to pick up my radiology slip and get Joe and Noah. At the appointment, they couldn't find anything. They called my doctor stat and I had to go for more blood work, and see my doctor the next day. He said I was either miscarrying the baby, or the pregnancy was still just really early and that's why we couldn't see anything yet.

At the appointment the next day, they told me my numbers were still rising- albeit slowly. With my numbers rising, the miscarriage was ruled out. I started to hope again, until the doctor mentioned that it might be a tubal pregnancy. He wanted to give me an injection to dissolve the pregnancy, but I rejected it. Since he couldn't 100% tell me that it was tubal and not just an early pregnancy, I didn't feel comfortable dissolving a possibly perfect pregnancy. Soooo, he was going to send me for laproscopic surgery to look for the pregnancy and remove it if it was in my tubes. While we were in the appointment, his family called with an emergency that would be taking him out of state. So he turned me over to one of the other doctors at his practice. I knew her from my pregnancy with Noah and lets just say she wasn't my favorite person in the world. I was sent home and told to wait by the phone for the new doctor to call me with scheduled surgery.

The new doctor reviewed my files and said based on my history (long cycles) and the fact that my numbers were still rising and were in line with an early pregnancy, she wanted me to go for more blood work- then go for another ultrasound in 4 days. So, I'm back to hoping. for 4 days, i'm in an emotional limbo. I know I'm pregnant, but I don't know where the baby is, or when my due date could be, or really anything other then that there's HCG in my blood.

Tuesday the 22nd, I went for a second ultrasound. Joe and Noah went with me, but Noah got worked up and Joe had to take him for a walk. The radiologist again found nothing in my uterus. I mentioned that the doctor had said it could be an ectopic pregnancy. She spent some more time looking, went to the radiologist, and then came back to me. "There's a complex mass located near your right ovary, and it has a blood flow to it. Your doctor wants you to go to the ER and he'll meet you over there." At this point, my heart broke into a million pieces.

I knew Noah wasn't going to hold up waiting in the ER for who knew how long. So I asked Joe to drop me off and take him home. I walked in around 10:30 and they didn't take long to get me through triage and registered. I was in an ER room by 11:30, just waiting to see my doctor and have the surgery scheduled. I called my mom to give her an update, texted Joe and a few close friends for updates, then settled down to watch Hercules on Sci-fi.

My doctor came around 1:00 and went over my options, we decided on a course of action, and they put me on the list for surgeries that needed to be done that day. Oh, and by that point I had already been given an IV and been given saline fluids. I was hungry but I wasn't allowed to eat b/c of the surgery. I get kind of lost on time around here, but I think I was taken back for surgery around 5:30 or so.

They removed my right fallopian tube in the surgery. I have 3 small laproscopic incision on my abdomen- 1 inside my belly button which is really odd. I was excited when I saw the anesthesiologist, he was the same guy that did my epi and c-section with Noah. After that, I remember him saying "I'm going to put some meds in your IV and you'll feel it in about 30 seconds". and then, I was out. I didn't wake up until I was in recovery and the nurse asked for Joe's phone number. They called in some prescriptions for me and arranged for Joe to pick them up and then come pick me up. They gave me some soda and graham crackers, and one dose of percocet right then. I remember asking if I bit my lip and they said that I had when they put in the air tube- which I didn't remember at all, but oh well. The hardest part was they told me I wasn't allowed to lift up Noah for 2 weeks. So, not only did I just lose a baby, but now I can't pick up and snuggle the one I had at home. I think if there had been any pieces of my heart unbroken, they broke there.

Joe and Noah came to pick me up, they wheeled me out to meet them and took me home. I was in bed and asleep within 20 minutes of getting home, and I just slept and slept, and cried, and slept. Joe was amazing and helped to finish up all our Christmas projects and take care of Noah. and somehow, I got through Christmas.

I'm still not 100%. I have an inflammation in my veins from the IV and it hurts like hell. My incisions still hurt if I try to do too much. My heart is still trying to mend. and I still have days where I just hate everyone and everything. But, I'm trying. and I'm still alive. I just keep reminding myself that I didn't have a choice here. There was no moving the baby, there was no chance for it. If we hadn't removed the pregnancy, I could have bled to death if my tube had ruptured. It helps a little, but it doesn't take away the sting of a loss. And, I now have doubts about whether I could handle another pregnancy. What if something more were to happen and I wasn't here for Noah and Joe anymore? What if I miscarried? What if I had another tubal pregnancy? what if what if what if. They keep me up at night, and I don't have any answers.

I have a follow up appointment on Tuesday to be cleared for lifting, and I guess at that point I can ask how long we'd have to wait to try again. Maybe I'll have time to figure it all out by then. because in my heart, i know i want another baby to love. but the what ifs, they kill me.