updates

I've been super quiet on here lately. In May, I had a miscarriage. I guess it was technically a chemical pregnancy, b/c it was over before I even really found out about it, but that didn't make it any less painful. My period was a day late, super heavy, and shorter then normal...I figured I was just lucky by having it be shorter. Then 2 weeks later I started puking, so I took a test b/c I just felt off. and it was positive. But none of the numbers/charts added up. So we went for bloodwork. I had been pregnant but the numbers were dropping, so the doctors said I didn't need to wait any cycles to try again and to just keep taking my vitamins and hoping for the best.

Then in July, we found out we were pregnant again. I didn't want to tell anyone until we heard the heartbeat. Then we heard it, and one of my online friends had a missed miscarriage, so I didn't want to get my hopes up and I was still hesitant about spreading any news. Well, now I'm 17 weeks pregnant and we have our 'big' ultrasound on Tuesday. You'd think that I'd be feeling more confident- I'm feeling baby flutters and there are no signs of any problems- but...I'm still terrified.

I've been carrying the fear around and haven't been able to let it go, so I'm hoping by writing it down I can let it go. I'm optimistic for a healthy baby...I'm even more optimistic that it might be a girl (gut feeling). I won't really voice either of those outloud for fear of jinxing myself, but the thoughts are there...Along with the thoughts that there's going to be something wrong with the baby. Again, no real reason for the thoughts, I think I'm just afraid to be too optimistic this time around.

So, if you have any extra room on your prayer list, I'd appreciate some good thoughts sent our way for an uneventful ultrasound on Thursday morning.